Thanks to the American embargo with Cuba, my flight out of Havana gives me a brief stops in both Cancun and Mexico City. A 4am start with uncomfortable seats on two out of three of the legs of the journey leave me in a foul mood by the time I get into LAX. To top it all off, it's cold. Very cold. It gets cold in Los Angeles. Who knew? My free Travelodge shuttle takes fucking ages, but eventually I collapse into bed and watch a hard-hitting documentary about the pizza's introduction to America. I sleep well.
In need of supplies, I spend a fair amount of time and dollars on a taxi to and from the 'mall.' It's shit. I can't find half the things I want. I buy some sandals and I buy some socks. I go to the 'movies' and watch Cloverfield as I desperately try to kill time somewhere other than the airport.
As it turns out, that was a good move. When I get to the airport, it transpires that passengers aren't afforded the luxury of a nice big area to move around in. Half-a-dozen shops, four cafes, and a mobile news stand is all there is. The SuperBowl is on. It's been going on for about four fucking hours. People watch and cheer and whoop and I die a little inside.
Stocked up with six bags of Peanut Butter M&Ms, I brave the bureau de change. I can't use my card to get money out. Yes, I've tried the machine. Yes, I've tried with another card. Can't I just... no. Give me strength.
I wonder back to the mobile news stand and buy pens. I ogle Heidi Montag on the front of Maxim magazine, and wonder who she is.
Things to do in airports. Whilst bored.
1. Stand at the urinal. Keep standing there. See how long you have to wait before you are questioned, wondering if you have, in the confusion, somehow forgotten what you are meant to do... or have merely had some kind of breakdown. WARNING! Exercise this with caution, lest you should become liable to allegations of cottaging.
2. Push into a queue. Find a queue. Any queue. And push in. Start off subtly, but make adjustments depending on one's own level of boredom. See who is too polite to say anything. See who you can incite to the verge of physical violence. WARNING! Pushing into queues may result in people incorrectly assuming you are French.
3. Teach yourself how to do a handstand. Perhaps, use a prop such as a book bearing a dust-jacket entitled "Teach yourself how to do a handstand". You might encourage others to look at you with calls of "Look at me! Look at me!" once a reasonable standard has been attained. WARNING! Be extremely careful not to kick curious security staff when terminating a stable handstand.
4. Hold a belt in your hands. Explain to the person next to you - who, for optimum effect, ought to be minding their own business - that you never actually wear a belt, merely that you always have one to hand should an errant child require disciplining. WARNING! A pleasant side effect of this may lead to vacation of the seat next to you, giving you room to spread out.
No comments:
Post a Comment